eat your head

my name means immortality and weed-addict.

knowing only the first meaning, i have hated my name for long years. people just couldn’t spell it right, and it sounded really ugly to me.

but now, i like it. it is very rare, has two of the most beautiful name meanings(i am almost sure, that the only name that means weed-addict is mine) and it is only that people are moron since they can not even spell a simple 5-letters word right.

i wish my name was the only problem i have had as a child, but i have stated it in the beginning, since i wanted to show even the thing i was one with, and have to live forever could nerve me and break me.

through adolescence, which is still active, i have forgotten nearly 10/9 of my past memories.

probably meds have helped this a lot too. and unbearable stress.

well, i don’t want to sound like an emo kid, but it is true that i have had no friends in elementary and middle school.

i was living in a small town and was going to the most expensive school over there.

it was only natural that all the kids were brainless dandies.

my family’s economical situation wasn’t as good as theirs and i was really different from them.

the only music type i listened to was classical music so i was carrying my Walkman with Bach cassettes to school everyday. i was the only one doing that in school. music wasn’t much of a thing to children that age.

i was the fastest reader in the school and was officially praised twice for it in school.

my notes were high, though i have never studied and i was drawing or day dreaming all day long instead of listening the teachers or talking with that bitches.

i was kind of the loser according to class, which hangs out with losers. that, of course meant intelligent and different children.

that was very unlikely to my pre-childhood, because in kindergarten, i was the girl-gang’s leader which was feared of the rest.

so it was a gigantic trauma for me after the 1. class in elementary school. i had a best friend in first class and i was like in kindergarten, the fastest girl which all the guys wanted in their teams while playing thief-police.

but that friend choosed another girl in 2nd class and till 7th class i have wanted to take her back and was punished by other girls because i was such a “slut” that wanted to break the holy ties of a friendship. peh.

without friends and with a problematic family, my already over-imaginative mind built a new world to me.

i used to think i was originally god’s daughter and the last prophet. i had the secret mission to save the world which would be revealed someday and because of this i had to go through all these pain and bear it.

my cat was a prince from another dimension, that would also someday reveal her true identity. yes, it was an unimportant fact that my cat was female. she has died when i was… around 14. i don’t remember clearly.

behind all the mirrors there were big rooms which official employees watch me. yeah, they were of course observing me till they would reveal the mission.

because i was god’s beloved daughter, i had magical powers.

my father was a really strict and sick man. i remember him trying to beat me up because i have let crumbs fall off to the ground. i could usually run, so instead, he beat my brother up.

my mother was a manic-depressive woman, who was treated with wrong meds for years. she slept sometimes almost all day long and preferred to pay attention to her kindergarten, which had lots of debts, instead of us.

after my 2nd class in elementary school, they have never slept in same bed again. everything got worse day by day. my mother mostly preferred to sleep in her kindergarten, sometimes also taking us with her too.

when i was in 7th class, finally she has accepted to quit that kindergarten job and promised her father being a lawyer again. of course she didn’t even attempt to do so.

her mental situation got worse and worse. she was sitting in front of the computer all day long and chatting with other guys. when we wanted to talk to her, she usually was shouting us to shut up. the only conversations we had in the evenings were about: “please, my dear daughter, buy me some cigarettes, without them, i feel like i am losing my sanity, and you don’t want that, do you?”

she has stayed in hospital(the asylum part of a public hospital) for 3 months or more. i really don’t remember much. i have seen her once a month or less during that time. and my brother preferred to stay with my grandparents.

staying at home alone with my father, which was gone even sicker and more nervous, changed my personality and interests drastically.

i remember the times, when my brother used to cry: “father god, please make my father die.” (he used to like portraying god as a father figure)

in the end of the 8th class i have to take an exam to determine the high school i will attend.

everyone started to call me as a transvestite. their reason was my ugliness.

i was alone at home with my father, which was oppressed me way too much because of that final exam.

i was playing a mmorpg, called ragnarok on-line for over a year that time. i used to start at 4pm when i was back from school, without even changing my uniform, and go to bed about 4am. at 7am i had to wake up.

my parents separated their life, at least my mother tried to do so when i graduated the middle school and only last year they have divorced.

how i was against anything extreme, how i was a smoking or drugs or alcohol hater. how i could produce stories in just a second. how i believed in my future. what a hard worker i was for a thing i wanted. oh the imagination i had.

now i am totally the opposite.

i have moved to the biggest city. surprisingly ridiculous but i have passed the final exam and by the end of summer will begin the 3rd year of the high school, which is labelled as the 2nd best private high school in my city.

my grades are average, or sometimes poor.

i have lots of friends. only few real ones though.

but the first year in high school was a nightmare.

i can say a lot people know my name and are afraid of me.

i live with my mother, my brother, my mother’s “sweetheart” and his daughter.

my father doesn’t know about this.

he has calmed miraculously. now he does whatever i say. i shout at him or say whatever i want. he gets mad, but can’t do anything. and i don’t mind already.

the new stuff popped out in my life: my father’s parents. they pay my school bill. i have to visit them at least once a month. (it was once a year before)

unlike my elementary and middle school years, i usually get any boy i want. a lot of people tell me i am beautiful.

i miss my child-self.

because i used to have faith, in my country, religions,magic and god. and myself.

now, i think my country sucks, and i have to get out of here as soon as i can; religions are just creations of either very clever or mad mind. and god is an answer for after-life questions. sadly, the answer is incorrect.